RWBY: Volume 1 - RECAP
by Marius Wales
Summary: This is a parody recap of the the first volume of RWBY, as though it was written by a caffeine addict, with the intelligence of a seven year old.


_**We begin with an epic and mysterious narration explaining the origin of this world. **_

_**Mankind was born through dust. That's right, the little particles of matter that you find under your bed. But it's not just any dust, it's MAGICAL DUST! **_

_**Through out history, mankind has grown bigger, smarter (kind of) and stronger, thanks the marvellous miracle of the MAGICAL DUST, and also made up cool stories about heroes and villains... oh, and MAGICAL DUST! **_

_**But, unfortunately for them (but not for me, LOLZ!) humanity is constantly being attacked by THE GRIMM. What is a Grimm thing you ask? YOU'RE SO STUPID! Grimm are animal-like beings, that get very pissed if humans ever get negative about... well, anything. If you're angry about losing a game of chess, THE GRIMM WILL GET YOU! If you leave litter on the ground and someone calls you an arrogant twit, THE GRIMM WILL GET YOU! If you don't put your dishes in the dish washer and your mother hits you with a frying pan... out of negativity, THE GRIMM WILL GET YOU, AND HER!**_

_**Many people have fought against the Grimm. A lot have won, but most have tried and failed, HILARIOUSLY! This proves once and for all that my- I MEAN, these mysterious creatures are the superior species and that mankind will perish under my- I MEAN, their feet.**_

_Hey! At least we're doing our best. All you do is stand around in your castle!_

_**OZPIN?! Where did you come from?**_

_I'm doing the narration with you._

**_Why?_**

_I don't know. Ominous effect?_

**_Well, you can't! I was here first!_**

_Oh, come on. Just this once? You get to narrate all the mini-documentaries._

**_That's because I have the coolest voice, and you don't!_**

_What ever you say, Princess Peach._

**_THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!_**

_Haven't you learned yet? Every time I get killed, my soul transfers into anoth-_

**_SHHH! We're not supposed to reveal that, yet._**

_Oh... Oh-OH, GREAT! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!_

**_ME?!_**

_YES, YOU! NOW I'VE SPOILED THE NEXT THREE SEASONS, GOD DAMN IT!_

**_Technically, I'm the closeted thing to a god on this planet. Also, are you crying?_**

_OH, WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!_

**_ONLY IF YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A NINE-YEAR OLD!_**

_I CAN'T! I'M AN ETERNAL BEING, REMEMBER! I HAVE NO LIMIT!_

* * *

_We apologise for the interrupting argument that is still continuing as we speak. __We now return to the recap, with a random narrator we found in the back alley._

* * *

**_Episode 1_**

_It's a lovely evening to go for a walk, so much so that Malcolm McDowell takes his band of goons go out for a drink, or maybe to ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE!_

**Torchwick:** Give us all your dust!

**Shopkeep:** _NOOOOO_\- Wait. You, just want the dust? Not my money?

**Torchwick****:** Precisely.

**Shopkeep:** Wow. This is the best robbery of my life.

**Ruby:** STOP RIGHT THERE, PUNKS!

_All of the bad people turn around to see a teenage girl in the back, with a HUGE-ASS SCYTHE!_

**Torchwick:** Curses! It's... wait. Who are you again?

**Ruby:** What? Didn't you watch the trailers?

**Torchwick:** What trailers?

**Ruby:** I'LL KILL YOU!

_Ruby fighted all the bad guys, but Torchwick got into a helicopter, with a sexy firelady, when a gal person came to Ruby's aid. _

**Torchwick:** I'll get you my pretty and your little goth girl too-

**Gal Person:** That's Salem's line!

**Torchwick:** Oh, what ever!

_The bad guy flew away and mysterious woman thanks Ruby by taking her to prison. ...Lame! But, some guy comes into the room and sits opposite of Ruby._

**Guy Person:** Who wants cookies?!

**Ruby:** COOKIES!

_Ruby eats all of the cookies, scoffing them down instantly, literally instantly. I mean, they just disappear when they touch her mouth._

**Ruby:** So, who is you?

**Guy Person:** I am Professor Ozpin, and I'm pleased to inform you that you have been excepted into Beacon Academy, the school of witchcraft and wizar-

**Gal Person:** Grimm fighting. We just teach people how to fight Grimm. Right, Ozpin?

**Ozpin:** Yeah, I know, Goodwitch, I'm just messing with her.

**Ruby:** So, no wizarding?

**Ozpin:** Correct.

**Ruby:** Dang it!

_Cut to uh... I don't know, A day? Whatever. Ruby is later on a flying ship to the academy, with her older sister, Yang. And sadly, there's no Yin._

**Yang:** You're going to be the bee's knees!

**Ruby:** Do bees have knees?

**Yang:** Uh... Hey, look! It's Beacon!

_And, while a boy's about to puke, they approach Beacon._

_..._

_Oh, yeah. And there's political commentary- I mean, political commentary- I mean, political commentary- I mean, political commentary- I mean, animal people. (Faunes)_

* * *

_**Episode 2-3**_

_As Puke Boy barfs in a bin, Ruby and Yang look at the pretty building._

**Ruby:** Okay, so what do we do no-

**Yang:** I'll see you later, I am gonna go hang with ma friends!

**Ruby:** Will we ever find out who they are?

**Yang:** Nope. Bye!

_Yang goes to hang (See what I did here?) with her friends. Ruby bumps in to someone._

**Someone:** Hey, peasant! You bumped into me.

**Ruby:** Will we be friends?

**Someone:** Well, I don't want to be the next Malfoy, so... I guess?

**Ruby:** BOOYAH!

**Someone:** Whatever.

_Ruby picks up a dust thing._

**Ruby:** Hey, what's this?

**Someone:** DON'T-

_BOOM! Dust everywhere!_

**Someone:** I hate you.

**Ruby:** :(

**Book Girl:** You're are Weiss Schnee.

**Weiss:** Ya!

**Book Girl:** You are bad person.

**Weiss:** ...Whatever.

_Weiss walks away._

**Ruby:** Thanks for-

_Book girl walks away._

**Ruby:** :(

**Vomit Boy:** Sup.

_Vomit Boy offers Ruby a hand off the ground._

**Ruby:** Oh. Hey, Vomit Boy.

**Vomit Boy:** My name is Jaune!

**Ruby:** Geez, fine!

**Jaune:** ...Wanna be friends?

**Ruby:** :D

_Everyone went to meeting place to see The Wonderful Professor of Beacon._

**Ozpin:** Welcome to this place! You'll be divided in groups of four once you complete your test tomorrow. For now, go sleep on the floor!

_Everyone when't to sleep in the hall, because the teachers are jerks._

**Ruby and Yang:** Hey, Bookperson!

**Book Girl:** For the record, my name is Blake-

**Yang:** Wanna be friends?

**Blake:** Well, I saw the trailers, so... I guess I should be.

**Ruby and Yang:** :D :D

* * *

_**Episode 4**_

_The next day, girls are getting to know their competitors in the locker room._

**Ruby: **Who is being you people?

**Pink Girl: **I'm Nora, I is comic relief!

**Ruby: **Yay!

**Japanese Boy:** I'm Ren, the hot one.

**Ruby: **I can see that!

**Gladiator Girl:** My name is Pyrrha, the strong one with a heart of gold, and also the hot one.

**Ruby:** Ooh.

**Jaune:** And I'm-

**Ruby:** We already know you, Jaune!

**Jaune:** Aww.

_They go to the initiation thing, where they were each told to stand on catapults- wait, what?_

**Ozpin:** When you have landed without a broken neck, you're partner will the first person you see. So even if you find a squirrel first, it will be partner for the rest of the year... Nah! I'm just kidding. We're not going to make that mistake, again. You two will then have to find chess pieces...

**Jaune:** Well, that doesn't sound too bad-

**Ozpin:** In a Grimm infested forest!

**Jaune:** ...But, we just got here-

**Ozpin:** Bye, now!

_The catapults then shoot the teens into the forest._

* * *

_**Episode 5**_

_All the brave little teens landed in the forest without any broken necks. Ruby teams up with Weiss-_

**Weiss:** Figures.

_-and Jaune teams up with Pyrrha, after she saved him by pining him to a tree with her spear before he broke his neck._

**Jaune: **Hey, Gladiator Girl!

**Pyrrha:** One, it's Pyrrha, and two, wanna be ma partner?

**Jaune: **Yeah! Just be careful with your spear, please. You could have implied me.

**Pyrrha:** Oh, now. The more we train in this academy, the less likely any of us will get implied.

...

**Pyrrha:** What?

_Uhhh... I wonder how are Ruby and Weiss doing?_

**Ruby: **I promise you that we'll be the best of friends. Our friendship will be so great, that people will ship the two of us more than you and Jaune-

**Weiss: **Hold on! What?!

**Ruby: **What?

**Weiss:** ...

**Ruby:** ...

**Weiss: **On second thought, maybe Jaune isn't so bad after all- GRIMM!

_The Grimm attack!_

* * *

**_Episode 6-7_**

_Two bear-like Grimm attack Yang, causing a single piece of hair to fall off. The makes Yang slightly disgruntled, as she beings to slaughter them both._

**Yang: **THE HAIR IS MY TRIGGER!

_Yang kills one of them, before Blake kills the other one, making them a duo._

**Blake: **You don't think the fans will ship us together, do you?

**Yang:** It's already done.

_Back to Pyrrha and Jaune._

**Pyrrha:** Hey, wanna see something cool?

**Jaune:** Yeah!

_Pyrrha shows Jaune his aura._

**Pyrrha:** We have auras to help us fight.

**Jaune:** You mean like the force?

**Pyrrha:** NO!

**Jaune:** Aw.

_How are Ren and Nora doing?_

**Ren:** I just killed a giant snake.

**Nora:** And this is why the fanbase loves you.

_Blake and Yang find the chess pieces._

**Yang:** We found the chess pieces!

_Ruby and Weiss fall from the sky._

**Ruby:** Hey, guys!

**Blake:** How did you guys get here?

**Ruby:** Bird.

**Blake:** Ah.

**Jaune, Pyrrha, Nora and Ren:** And we're here too!

**Blake:** Wait, who are you people?

* * *

_**Episode 8**_

**Jaune:** OH NO! A SCORPION!

_They kill the scorpion._

**Nora:** Good work, team!

**Jaune:** OH NO! A BIRD!

_They kill the bird._

**Yang:** Good work, team!

_The eight teens passed the test and put into their groups, with Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang in Team RWBY and Jaune, Pyrrha, Nora and Ren in Team JNPR. ...Wait. RWBY? JNPR? Don't tell me Ozpin has dyslexia._

* * *

_**Episode 9**_

_Team Rwby has a bedroom now._

**Ruby: **We have a bedroom now.

**Everyone except Weiss:** DECORATION TIME!

_Ruby puts up the curtains, Weiss hangs the paintings, Blake stores the books and Yang has poster._

**Yang:** What kind of books do you read Blake?

**Blake: **Erotica.

**Yang:** ...

**Blake:** ...

**Ruby:** ...So, what's with the poster, Yang?

**Yang:** Because Rooster Teeth can't go five God-damn seconds without making a reference to themselves. You can expect a Red vs. Blue reference in the next season.

_They finish decorating the room._

**Ruby:** Mission accomplished!

**Weiss:** Also, we're late for class.

**Ruby:** Crap.

_They arrive at Mr. Port's class._

**Port:** One of you has to fight a pig.

**Weiss:** Okay!

* * *

**_Episode 10_**

_Weiss fights a pig._

**Weiss:** I just fought a pig.

**Ruby:** Awesome.

**Weiss:** And I still hate you.

**Ruby:** Jerk.

_Ruby speaks to Ozpin._

**Ruby:** I don't think I'm a good leader.

**Ozpin:** No one's prefect.

**Ruby:** That doesn't make me feel better.

**Ozpin:** That's life for ya.

_Weiss speaks to Port._

**Port:** Stop being jerk.

**Weiss:** Fine. I'll try at least.

* * *

_**Episode 11-12**_

_Jaune gets hit by a bully. A lot. ...It's hilarious._

**Jaune: **I really do not appreciate that guy.

**Pyrrha:** I think we all don't as well.

**Nora:** Oh, I know! We'll break his legs!

**Ren:** And this is why the fanbase loves you.

_After learning in class and getting hit by the bully guy, Jaune when't to a roof with Pyrrha, where Jaune reveals a shocking twist!_

**Jaune:** I cheated to get into the academy.

_THAT... actually makes a lot of sense. I mean, have you seen him on the battle field?_

**Jaune:** Promise you'll keep this a secret?

**Pyrrha:** Okay.

_Pyrrha leaves._

**Jaune:** Well, it's a good thing no one else heard that I'm-

**Bully Stereotype: **What's up, Aaron Carter?

**Jaune: **OH, COME ON!

**Bully Stereotype:** That's right! I'm so going to Biff Tannen your ass. HA, HA, HA!

* * *

_**Episode 13-**__**14**_

**Goodwitch:** It's a lovely day. Let's go find fruit in the forest!

**Students:** YAY!

_While all the students are finding fruit, Bully Stereotype and his team, Team CRDL (Seriously, I'm really starting to wonder if Ozpin is__ dyslexic__), blackmail Jaune._

**Bully Stereotype:** Throw this jar of sap at the red head!

**Jaune:** Why can't you do it?

**Bully Stereotype:** ...Oh, yeah. I guess I could do it- WAIT, NO! It has to be you!

**Jaune:** But, I don't wanna.

**Bully Stereotype:** YOU PUNK! I'M A PUNCH YOU!

_Bully Stereotype tries to punch Jaune, but Jaune blocks it with aura, breaking Bully Stereotype's hand. ...It's hilarious._

**Bully Stereotype:** OWIE!

**CRDL Member:** Wow, Dude. You suck.

**Bully Stereotype:** Shut the-

**CRDL Member:** Oh, look. A bear.

**Bully Stereotype:** BEAR!

_A bear is about to eat Bully Stereotype, but Jaune saves him._

**Jaune:** Ha! And you now owe me one.

**Bully Stereotype:** Dang it.

* * *

_**Episode 15**_

_Team RWBY goes into town._

**Ruby:** Someone robbed a store!

**Weiss:** It must have been the Faunus terrorist group, White Fang.

**Blake:** Hey, I take offence to that!

**Yang:** ...Why?

**Blake:** NO REASON!

...

**Ruby:** Hey, look. A monkey.

A guy with a monkey tail runs off of a ship he stowed away in.

**Weiss:** AFTER HIM!

Team RWBY chase after the Faunus, thinking he's a White Fang member (Okay, that's just racist, right there), but they lose him when Weiss bumps into someone.

**'Defiantly not a robot' girl:** Hi there. I'm Penny.

**Ruby:** Cool, See ya!

_Team RWBY goes back their rooms at Beacon._

**Weiss:** I hate the White Fang!

**Blake:** I is a White Fang!

_DUN DUN DUUUUN!_

**Blake:** So... later!

_Blake runs away._

**Ruby:** Come back here, young lady!

_While staring at a statue, Blake takes of her bow, where she hides her kitty ears. Oh, and Monkey Boy is stalking her._

**Monkey Boy:** Wanna grab some tea?

**Blake:** Yah!

* * *

_**Episode 16**_

_Blake and Monkey Boy go to a nice cafe._

**Monkey Boy:** So... You was a White Fang?

**Blake:** Yes, Sun. I was a White Fang. But, I is not anymore because one of our leaders is a jerk.

**Sun:** "Jerk" is an understatement.

**Blake:** Whatever. Let's go punch the bad guys.

**Sun:** Cool.

_Blake and Sun find Torchwick and his goons at the docks._

**Sun:** Surprise!

**Torchwick: **Oh, for fu-

**Blake:** No swearing! We're PG-13!

**Torchwick:** Wait. What?

**Blake:** What?

**Torchwick:** We're PG-13?

**Blake:** Well... Obviously.

**Torchwick:** I thought we were rated M, at least.

**Blake:** What made you think that?

**Torchwick:** Well, you guys constantly keep chopping up countless Grimm until they die. There's blood showing and everything!

**Blake:** But, their Grimm, so it really doesn't matter.

**Torchwick:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WOAH! They're lives don't matter? Says who!?

**Blake:** ...Is that seriously a question? THEY ARE ENTIRE GOAL IN LIFE IS TO KILL US!

**Torchwick:** I'm sensing some prejudice here.

**Blake:** You know what? Whatever. LET'S FIGHT!

_Blake and Sun fight the handsome man and later on Penny joins in, revealing a secret about her._

**Penny:** I am a robot!

**Blake:** Shocker.

_So Penny beats the bad guys by using flouting swords and is later taken away by a cliffhanger. Roman escapes, because of course he did, and Weiss and Blake apologise for being ninnys._

**Ruby: **So, wait. We really can't swear, ever? I mean, this is a Rooster Teeth production.

**Yang: **Give it three more seasons.

* * *

_**Epilogue**_

_As Torchwick schemes his next scheme thing, he looks over to see that he is visited by a mysterious girl, who is currently showing off by creating fire with just one wave of her hand. She is also accompanied by green-haired girl and a grey-haired boy._

**Torchwick:** Damn, Cinder! You're smoking this evening!

**Cinder:** Yeah. I know. There's fire in my hand.

**Torchwick:** Not what I was referring to.

**Cinder:** Wait- huh? What?! You pervert!

**Green Haired Female:** Yeah! Who do you think you are, talking to our boss like that?!

**Torchwick:** Well, I am based off of Alex DeLarge.

**Green Haired Female:** Oh, yeah... Now that you said that... I... really don't want to be around you anymore.

**Torchwick:** But, darling. You haven't introduced yourself's yet.

**Grey Guy:** Oh, yeah. Well, my name is-

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

GOD DAMN IT!


End file.
